My generation, X, is not known for naming things.  Literally, our name says it all – X.  Insert any word here to identify us.  We are not eXtraordinary or eXtra-special.  Our reality bites.

The current generation of up-and-comers, by contrast, are language innovators. Acronyms abound – BRB, FR, SMH, TY, K. I’d be impressed if I actually knew what these youngsters meant. IFKYK – and I don’t. I’ve tried to learn phrases because they capture sentiments that didn’t have language before. Like “out of pocket” which means, erm, excessively honest to a fault and read the room old man; it does not mean you are working away from your computer. That’s AFK.

It is with this sense of awe that I humbly request your skillset: AMA. I’ve looked in the literature and all the electronic forums – /Reddit, quora, quizlet, and Insta.  I even looked at X though it is mid and, lately, really Out of Pocket.  I asked around on Discord and was met with IDK and a shrug emoji. I pestered further looking for answers, so I asked “mood”? and then I face-palmed when I was told ‘mood’ is so facebook. I’m trying to be cool, to be hip, but maybe I need a replacement.

Imma tryna not to be cheugy, coz I need you to come in clutch, Gen Z.  Spill the tea. Here’s the request: can we please have a term for Adult Children that isn’t such an oxymoron?

Adult children is infantilizing. It places youth, forever, as children.  Noobs. Peter Pan and Wendy. It reads like “man-child”. No adult child is putting away for a 401K. I am offended on behalf of these wonderful inventive zoomers. Excuse me as I lecture at you like some Karen, but I strongly believe adult children don’t deserve to be talked down to about their maturation. Delays in reaching milestones can be logical and planful, impacted by opportunities. Boomeranging back to live with mom and dad isn’t a sign of immaturity so much as common sense. I appreciate how many youth I work with are saving thousands of dollars instead of handing over cash to a slumlord millionaire who refuses to fix a faucet drip.

The other half of the term ‘adult children’ is equally problematic. Adult things are off-limits to children. Adult bookstores, websites, toys. XXX. NSFW. NC17. An adult child conjures images of a schoolgirl cosplay, inappropriately sexualized pigtails, and kinks that involve diapers. Adult diapers. Depends. Adult children are both young and old as well as neither mature nor wise. Growth is stunted. Twisted.

It is possible to drop ‘adult’ in conversation to describe ‘my children’ or ‘my kids’. But clarifications about age are quick on the heels of statements like “I have no idea where my kids are” lest child protective services get called to locate a 22 year old completing a study abroad in Morrocco.

What about dropping children off? This seems plausible for reaching a solution despite sounding a bit alien and unnecessarily formal. My adults, my humans. Some terms over-emphasize ownership of the next generation and risks prioritizing genetic or gestational origins. My descendants, my offspring.  I personally like ‘my spawn’ because it makes me spawn-point which, I am told, is a thing in video games. Spawn also allows my house to be spawn-ranch which, I explain to the humans that call me mom, has a pretty weird cultish origins from the Manson family: Charles, not Marilyn. 

ATM (as in “at the moment” not automated teller machine), I’m leaning toward progeny. Its terminology neighbors are protégé and prodigy. Protégés are taught, invested in, sculpted.  Definitionally, protégés have investment from individuals with some prominence who care about their careers. That means they have careers and goals and ideas that might diverge from helicopter parental units eager to ensure adequate transportation to extracurricular activities. Vibe check failure.

Also, progeny sound like Prodigy.  They’re young, but extremely capable and are jet set to accomplish something unprecedented. Prodigies hold onto youthful characteristics when necessary but are not to be trifled with in a maturity contest. Even when they’re A Minor the contributions prodigies make are not minor. Prodigies show the benefits of neoteny that unfold long after convenience stores scratch off their year of birth for selling alcohol or tobacco. Yeet.

And so, dear and wonderful zoomers with capacity to innovate and create while typing solely on the WASD keys, I humbly request your prodigious skillset in coining something to identify yourselves as you age into a new maturational lifestage that boring Xers and middling millennials call Adult Children. I do so out of tremendous respect even as I sigh, face-palm once again, and explain that Marilyn Manson is a disgraced singer from the 90s and Charles Manson was a murderer, sort of.  Both are cringe. G2G

Elizabeth (Birdie) Shirtcliff is an adult child to her mother and mother-in-law, despite being well into her 40s. Dr. Shirtcliff is a research professor at the University of Oregon, Center for Translational Neuroscience and expert on puberty, pubertal hormones and the stress of being an adolescent.